Not of this world

As I look back over the past year it is overwhelming all that has happened. Danielle got married May 19 I was allowed to come for fifteen minutes sit in the back row of the church and was not allowed to attend the reception Yippee just what I dreamed of for 24 years. Locked up in my one room prison for months unable to function. if I look out the front windows of my cell my sister Beth has moved two houses away and if I look out the back window the Koedams front porch is glaring at me. Really God is this your good plan a hope and a future I pray out loud . Fifteen minutes later on a Sunday afternoon I see a young lady walk up to the for sale by owner sign in the front yard and take down the phone number.. My body shakes and begs God that this person buy this house so I can runaway. Monday she calls and long story short buys the house.. Thank you Jesus In October Tim got his leg cut off. Stephanie calls and says she is moving to Sioux Falls with Ellie her marriage is over. Jessica and Danielle are now both pregnant. This weekend we celebrated Ellies first Birthday Jess and Madeleine came and stayed with us at our new house that we are thoroughly enjoying, it was wonderful. I have been struggling nwith severe pain on my right side since the last week of November . Had an epidural in neck last tuesday that worked for a few days and am now back in pain 24-7. Started going back to church and that is awesome. Thursday we leave Gus at vet to get fixed and we are headed to Alabama for Greg and Trishs wedding. I was just diagnosed as being Bi-polar dont have a clue as to what that means or what I should do if anything about that. Last week marks two years waiting for disability benefits and once again they are sending me to another dr. Bob is experiencing chest pain periodically and refuses to go to the dr. I am beginning to realize what I have allowed him to do to me so I will work on that he hasnt paid any of my dr bills since 2007 so going to doc is futile likng going to the store with no money. he totally sucks the life oout of me and I allow it. He is verbally medically financially and sometimes physically abusive I am getting realy tired of it. I feel like for better or worse is the vow I took and question that what if God wants me here to help him to Love him through it even if it sucks. I am talked down to by my children and am sick of that as well I respect them and do everything I can to help them but they are snotty and judgemental and disrespect me continually. It seems you cannot do enough for them feels like your being used and it sucks.I try to Love no matter what but at times it is so overwhelming like your being bombarded on all sides attacked and your supposed to stand there with a smile on your face jst take it and act like its not happening. all three girls are so addicted to shopping and so into materialistic shit its really hard to stay quiet...I kept you hidden and decided to save and post. Why ? I do not know. 

Monday Monday ...

Easter was awesome. Church activities and dinner and a movie with Stephanie. I recall Pastor Rich saying we always ask why about everything instead of realizing the why is so Jesus can strengthen our Faith. How true those words rang into my life. Why do I not look at things that way ? Time in the word of God has become so refreshing and healing and yet it is usually in times of defeat that I seek answers in the word of God... God has been so merciful and gracious to me Father help me to seek you first in all things . Love thy neighbor seems so simple a request yet so difficult to continue even in the simplest ways. I find I am so judgemental and look at others and judge them and myself my sin is daily and wretched. I am seeking to make Jesus first in my life and yet I have sin I cling to not wanting to release it for some of it I enjoy. As we ate the seder meal  and went to good friday services then Easter sunrise services how Blessed we are to freely practice our faith without fear. Across the world others are tortured and murdered for being christians for having a Bible and we here take so much for granted. father heal me so that my life and purpose can be to be your hands and feet and to share your Love with others. Father forgive me I do know what I am doing and do it anyway. Yes there are times when I am ignorant of how my choices effect others. It seems the thing I most do not want to do I do and simply because I am doing it in my own strength and selfishness abounds and creeps out so often I am sickened by it. yes Monday comes after Tuesday but with a click of the mouse you landed here.. Such is life...

Stumbling Blocks

somedays writing is more journaling than anything. A release of sorts for my thoughts and feelings so that hopefully I can line them up with the truth found in the word of god. A revealing process of right and wrong thought patterns and behaviours. I have struggled lately with things that I may do that might cause another to stumble and in that process of course find this in others as well. So what are we to do ? Do we confront Lovingly or do we sit as spectators refusing to get involved. In my own life there are many things I have done that surely have made another stumble. In my church family right now there are hurts that are going untold and expectations unmet. I certainly have witnessed for myself in every church I have ever attended that the persons with the largest cash flow certainly are made part of all the goings on, they seem to be the chosen ones, to be players in all the activities and usually have the starring roles in all events. I sit and watch as children are left out and harmed by this and that is where I find it time to draw a line in the sand. Do you preach the word of God for what you get ? Certainly we have all found ourselves there. Today reports state that Jesus is a big money business and many are cashing in !!! Are you one of them ? Does your church seem to recognize those with the largest cashflow while overlooking the others ? Are you taking all the lead roles in activities and events selfishly denying others a part ? My Jesus did not choose persons for these reasons and I pray today not only that I do not conform to this but that you do not also.

Did You Really ! Wedding Day Preacher Boy...

So I sit here alone in the Redbay motel alone it is 1:00 AM saturday the 23rd March. You well your drunk sprawled across an air mattress on a floor after some sickening talks s with Big Brother. Deb she is smashed being her drama queen self with every breath she takes. It's your fault she is drunk and your brother has been pounding on the door kicking the walls and revving his motorcycle. I am sick and in pain want to say I can't believe it. So get cracking you know where u are.

Bi-Polar I Am

My mother said it years ago, my siblings said it constantly. I rejected this information and never gave it a second thought. Had I researched Bi-Polar I would have known without question that this diagnosis was exactly 100 % correct. It has not been a week and I am consumed with thoughts about this diagnosis. I have done a little research and everything I have read fits me like a glove. I feel free in some ways and also Ill in some ways. I have three daughters and each of them have some if not all the symptoms of Bi-Polar. Do I address it or leave it alone. I must address it, I do not want them to suffer for years like I have when this is treatable, and definately knowledge is power. I do fear that my husband will be bashing me with this and know I should trust God and let it go. Feelings of judgement and shame do overtake my thoughts and I need to take them captive with Gods word. I fear what treatment may be suggested. I do feel a lot of relief with the information I have thus far, explains so much for me.. Praying for courage to not sweep this under the rug. Father I count it all joy that you have sent your Holy Spirit to guide and direct my path that you are with me wherever I go you have never left nor forsaken me and I thank you for Loving me so much.

They say I Love you...what a joke

They tell you how to talk, how to dress, what you can say and what you cannot, they take your every word,feeling and thought.They beat you with it relentlessly, pursuing and judging. putting you down they are bullies and boast of only themselves and the grandeous lives they have chose.I hide in my home as there is no one for with to share, it isnt allowed it is very unfair. Not only sorrow but the joys in my life, they are all to be kept secret so what do I do with this life. I pray and my God tells me to be strong for he is the one who will right all the wrong. I spend days secluded but my God is here if he wasnt I would be dead from the fear. I am a Grandma now the thing I so wanted now I am kept from my Grandkids and I am haunted I dreamed of the warm and the fuzzy of their Love now I feel tortured and nothing but judged. I will not become a victim of their lost little lives because its my God I have learned to trust. He never leaves me and makes me feel alone no matter whats happening my God is always home. He is the hand that I hold through these days I feel his wet kiss on my cheek when I stray.

Where have you been..

I have not written in such a long time my arms aren't working right and the pain is over the top. I try to move on but it is such a distraction there just are not words for my reaction. As days turned to months and now its been a year the pain that I feel I am beginning to fear. What is this pain and where does it come from the joints won't stop aching now emotions are numb. No medical insurance so I am ignored if you cannot pay your life is destroyed. No visits no calls its as if invisible feeling forsaken while the pain makes life miserable. Treated as crazy what do they know until on my deathbed tossed to and fro. What is it God your trying to teach me all I've been doing is trying to reach you.