Bi-Polar I Am

My mother said it years ago, my siblings said it constantly. I rejected this information and never gave it a second thought. Had I researched Bi-Polar I would have known without question that this diagnosis was exactly 100 % correct. It has not been a week and I am consumed with thoughts about this diagnosis. I have done a little research and everything I have read fits me like a glove. I feel free in some ways and also Ill in some ways. I have three daughters and each of them have some if not all the symptoms of Bi-Polar. Do I address it or leave it alone. I must address it, I do not want them to suffer for years like I have when this is treatable, and definately knowledge is power. I do fear that my husband will be bashing me with this and know I should trust God and let it go. Feelings of judgement and shame do overtake my thoughts and I need to take them captive with Gods word. I fear what treatment may be suggested. I do feel a lot of relief with the information I have thus far, explains so much for me.. Praying for courage to not sweep this under the rug. Father I count it all joy that you have sent your Holy Spirit to guide and direct my path that you are with me wherever I go you have never left nor forsaken me and I thank you for Loving me so much.

They say I Love you...what a joke

They tell you how to talk, how to dress, what you can say and what you cannot, they take your every word,feeling and thought.They beat you with it relentlessly, pursuing and judging. putting you down they are bullies and boast of only themselves and the grandeous lives they have chose.I hide in my home as there is no one for with to share, it isnt allowed it is very unfair. Not only sorrow but the joys in my life, they are all to be kept secret so what do I do with this life. I pray and my God tells me to be strong for he is the one who will right all the wrong. I spend days secluded but my God is here if he wasnt I would be dead from the fear. I am a Grandma now the thing I so wanted now I am kept from my Grandkids and I am haunted I dreamed of the warm and the fuzzy of their Love now I feel tortured and nothing but judged. I will not become a victim of their lost little lives because its my God I have learned to trust. He never leaves me and makes me feel alone no matter whats happening my God is always home. He is the hand that I hold through these days I feel his wet kiss on my cheek when I stray.

Where have you been..

I have not written in such a long time my arms aren't working right and the pain is over the top. I try to move on but it is such a distraction there just are not words for my reaction. As days turned to months and now its been a year the pain that I feel I am beginning to fear. What is this pain and where does it come from the joints won't stop aching now emotions are numb. No medical insurance so I am ignored if you cannot pay your life is destroyed. No visits no calls its as if invisible feeling forsaken while the pain makes life miserable. Treated as crazy what do they know until on my deathbed tossed to and fro. What is it God your trying to teach me all I've been doing is trying to reach you.

In the still times

Still the questions looming.
I sit unable to move.
Thinking for myself and demanding to be me..
It feels wrong, yet I know it's right!
Hi Kristi, I have not seen you in some time.
You look differant, older a bit wiser, sober and full of LOVE, yet sad and empty also.
Still determined and stubborn and demanding.
But all with a light heart and a huge Love for life.
Thankful for MY GOD who rescued me, forgave me and LOVES ME unconditionally...
I never have felt you leave me,
Yet at times I find myself in a position to exercise my own free will.
The nagging question ? What you gonna do ?
Right or wrong.. is there one here where I am ?
I don't want to hurt another, yet here or gone that's what it is.
Consequences, that's what it feels like ,where we end up for the things we have done.
Spewed hatred that cannot be taken back, stepping over the line repeatedly and expecting that all will be forgiven and forgotten.
The truth is that has never happened.
God forgive me I did know what I was doing..

Decisions

There are moments when all seems ok.
Then are the days when revelation brings to light the deception.
Always watching every move.
Consumed with self and cares for no one else.
I cannot tithe its not allowed.
The thief has come and he is so damn loud.
The truth it slithers in and out.
Now I am silenced and have so many doubts.
Never touched. Constantly put down.
He cannot Love
He cannot share
His selfishness is everywhere.
Mentally Ill without a doubt.
I want to leave but do not know how.
I have quieted any and all friends .
I married this man and took some vows, now I struggle should I stay or get out
My mind in chaos, loss and doubt
The piggy back ride is just too much.
The signs I see would scare most to death
There is never a break and no rest
When does one stay
When does one go
When does one just stop and say NO

Torn

Dear Lord can you make it so I can be two places at once. A new church with a pastor that rocks the house(he's new too) Great friends and people God chose to be my family . I am so blessed . Three beautiful children, A husband that loves me and wants to spend all his time with me, The most spoiled dog who gives more kisses than I can accept, Friends who know they can call and talk and share and ask for help if they need it.. Oh and in the middle of it all A great big GOD who is always there to guide and direct, to show me which way to go and what is right and what is wrong. I can only imagine when I get my new body and join JESUS on the new earth how awesome it will be. No sin, no crying, no more leg pain or seizures, no more cardiovascular disease or high blood pressure, no more blood tests and thru it all with Christ I find JOY. I read about that and heard about it but now to experience it wowzee wowzee woo woo.. To all of you who have been a part of this ride I want to thank you I know at times you must have thought Dear Lord what were you thinkin its ok I think that everyday.. So remember be careful what you wish for it just may happen.

God Kisses

No one could have prepared me for this love that I know. My God shown upon us and lightened our load, as he breathed into you the breath of life, I know now for certain that there is more to my life. I waited and wondered how things would be and now you are here baby makes three. Entwined in my arms and each sweet little breath  I feel like Im drowning in Love in spite of self..